January 12th, 2021
Today I’m very excited; after years of being alone I’ve finally found a new girlfriend. Funny how these things happen. I had all but given up hope when I chanced across her. It sounds almost cliché, but we met across a busy street on a dark winter's evening. She looked like she was in a bit of a hurry, maybe on her way to a yoga class, or something like that. I remember she was wearing a tight pair of black yoga pants and a purple crop-top. At first I thought she hadn’t seen me; I’m a little shy to admit it but I was quite content to simply watch her from afar. The way she moved around so unselfconsciously was quite mesmerising, exciting almost. I wasn’t even going to introduce myself, as I thought that a girl like that must be way out of my league, but suddenly she turned to me, our eyes met, and she smiled a sheepish little grin, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Things happened so fast between me and A. It feels like an eternity since I last wrote my journal, but in reality it’s been only 8 days. And, although it’s only been 8 days, it feels like me and A. have slipped into a relationship already.
I can’t say we even went through the dating stage, we just slipped into a sort of easy domestic routine together from the off, now it feels like my life has always been this way. It feels both stable and comforting, but also incredibly exciting.
Our relationship is not exactly conventional, but we do spend quite a lot of time together now. At times I even feel like we are already living together. She really comes and goes as she pleases, her schedule is a bit erratic. I would appreciate knowing when she would be around, or even knowing where she went, but that uncertainty is almost part of the excitement.
We end up spending a lot of time together in the early evenings, after I’ve finished work, and she’s got back from her yoga class, or wherever she goes. Often she takes off her sweaty clothes and jumps straight in the shower, and I wait patiently for her to finish. Then she typically spends a little time in the living room, dancing around in her towel or her underwear, with a glass of wine, totally naturally and unsexually, but I find it quite exciting just to watch her, whilst pretending that I’m doing something else.
Although I find her incredibly sexy, most of all I just really appreciate having a feminine presence in my life. Most of all someone to talk to in the evenings and share a drink with.
I had always imagined the early stages of a relationship as being filled with romantic dates and wild sex, but this one isn’t like that. Mostly we just spend the evenings watching TV together, quite content in each other's presence, often not even talking. She usually flicks on the TV, and puts on some nonsense, sometimes even scrolling away on her phone not paying attention to whatever rubbish she has put on. Normally I would find this quite irritating, but when she does it I find it quite enchanting. Like she’s totally comfortable with my presence, that’s what real intimacy is all about. Often I don’t even watch the TV, I just casually watch her, finding it hard to tear my eyes away. She pretends that she doesn’t notice that I’m looking at her, but she must know, and that’s what I find so sexy about A.
Something truly heart wrenching happened yesterday. I was too upset to write about it at the time. I came home early from work as I had a bit of a migraine, and I caught A. with another man! I honestly can’t believe it, she was not even subtle about it, he was just there, in his towel in the middle of the living room, in the middle of the day. The most upsetting thing is that she hardly even tried to hide it, barely even apologised for it, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
This has been an absolute gut punch, I really don’t know what to do. There is no one I can turn to because no one I know even knows about my relationship with A. I feel absolutely retched. It’s like I mean absolutely nothing to her, like I hardly even exist in her life. Maybe this can’t possibly work, but I’m afraid of being by myself again.
I didn’t really know what to do last night. We didn’t explicitly break up, or even talk it over, I just went straight to bed in a rage and tossed and turned for a sleepless night. I don’t know where A. went, or where that man went, he just disappeared and I haven't seen him around this morning or this evening.
I don’t want to say anything nasty about A. because I thought we had a real connection, but I really hate that bitch right now.
I’ve had a lot of time to think things over, and calmed down a lot since the ”incident” with the other man. I really feel bad about what I wrote. She’s not a bitch, and that’s not a nice thing to say about a woman. I’ve decided to be the grown-up and forgive her.
Truth be told in the last week I went to see my ex. As chance would have it she also lives across the street from me, in the apartment building just visible from my balcony. She has a boyfriend now, and we’ve hardly been in touch, but, and I’m not proud of myself here, when her boyfriend was out I snuck out to see her quickly. She’s still beautiful, but it seems like there is such a big distance between us now, compared to what I have (or should that be had) with A. It seems so un-exciting and unfulfilling. Anyway the point is that now I feel like me and A. are even, and my ex means nothing to me now. So hopefully we can put this behind us and rekindle the love that we had. In anycase, I haven’t seen that damn man again, so hopefully the whole sorry tale is behind us.
It’s been a while since I last wrote in my diary. I managed to patch things up with A. and I thought things were going well again. But, and this might sound strange, since the clocks changed and the evenings grew lighter it’s been getting harder to see her. It feels like we’ve hardly spent any time together, just quick glimpses later in the evenings.
By the time it’s dark enough for me to see her clearly she has usually long since changed into her pajamas and is lying on the sofa with a big bag of crisps. The magic has well and truly gone.
I don’t know, but it seems like after the initial excitement of seeing her for the first time had worn off a bit, that we don’t actually have all that much in common. Our lives have grown apart, like we are living separate existences in the same place. This might sound absolutely crazy, but it feels like she hardly knows who I am, not in the way that I know her, and maybe, and it hurts me to say this, but I might actually need something more than this. I’m not sure what to do.
Something awful just happened. I feel my heart pulsing in my throat, not in a good way, but in a panicky - I’m going to be sick - kind of way. A. has been out of the house so much recently, maybe it’s the spring, but it’s been getting harder and harder to spend quality time with her. That’s why I was super excited to see her all of a sudden after she got back from yoga. She did her usual routine of peeling off her sweaty yoga-pants and jumping in the shower, then dancing around in her towel for a bit. The very thing that made me fall in love with her in the first place. I was so happy because I haven’t seen her like this in a while. Anyway, I must have been standing too close to the window, and she caught me staring at her. I don’t really understand it, but she seemed angry. She’s a strange enigma, my beautiful A. It’s like she wants me to watch her, but when she saw me just now staring she suddenly got really shy, and also seemed kind of pissed-off. She threw on her dressing gown and ran off to her bedroom. I felt wretched. Even worse than when I saw her with that other man. For some reason I feel horribly guilty and I can’t really explain why. I mean, if she doesn’t want me to watch, don't dance around like that in front of me.
I’m sure it’s all over now. She didn’t exactly say so, but from her behaviour I can tell that she doesn’t love me anymore. This afternoon she did the most passive aggressive thing I could imagine. Now I’m sure it’s over, and I’m on my own again. She put up a big pair of thick black curtains, all the way across her living room, and drew them tight.